Super Jokes for U

You can be sure it is a Sardarji when somebody

sends a fax with a stamp on it.
takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead,
got locked in Furniture Shop and slept on the floor.
At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he put "Sagittarius."
takes 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
studies for a blood test and fails.
spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
puts lipstick on the forehead because he wanted to makeup his mind.
tries to drown a fish.
In the application form in column Sex, he writes "Occasionally"
If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you'd get change.
thinks socialism means partying.
trips over a cordless phone.
invents a solar powered flashlight.
sells the car for gas money.
heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moves.
Kidnaps a kid and pins a ransom note on back of the kid and sends him home to his father
The father pays the ransom

Definitions
Diplomacy: Telling your boss he has an open mind, instead of saying he has a hole in his head.
Indigestion: The failure to adjust a square meal into a round stomach.

Priest to child: Do you always say your prayers before going to bed ?
Child : No, my mother does.
Priest : So what does she say ?
Child : Thank God you're in bed at last!

Q: What is the favourite raga of all wives ?
A: Mian ki todi

Q: What did the millionaire say to his cardiologist?
A: Dil ki awaaz sun, mere kamane pe naja.

Why are these Indians always late?
Milkman : Because the water supply starts late.
Husband: Because his secretary leaves late.
Wife: Because her beautician comes late.
Student : Because Mom does his homework late.
Teacher: Because the students are always late
Principal : Because the teachers are late.
Politician : Because the crowds are late.
Doctor: Because the patients come too late.
People like us: Because it's better to be late than never!

Doctor : One who charges before discharging
Tailor : Who cuts throats without bleeding
Pocket : Full for girlfriend but empty for wife

Guy 1 : I want to know what my child will become when he grows up
Guy 2 : Put him in a room with a bible, an apple and a dollar
Guy 1 : How to find the conclusions?
Guy 2 : If he takes the bible, he will be a preacher; if he grabs the apple and starts munches it, he will be a farmer; if he takes the dollar, he will be a banker. But if he grabs the apple in one hand and dollar in another and sits on the bible, he will become a politician

Guy 1 : I must go now. And don't bother to see me to the door.
Guy 2 : Its no bother. Its a pleasure

How many sides does a circle have?
Inside and outside

Boss to his new secretary : You can join the office from today. For first three months you will get Rs 2000 and then after 3 months you will receive Rs 3000.
Secretary : Sir, Can I join after 3 months

My kid is very future oriented, he puts off everything for tomorrow

Guy 1 : There is a terribly ugly thing on your shoulders.
Guy 2 : What is it?
Guy 1 : Your head.

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on.
The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said...
"Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"


A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can possibly spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

Here's good news for bald heads. They say: "God made perfect heads". Those that were not - he covered them with hair.

Yes god created man before women, but you always create a draft before the final masterpiece.

Guy 1: Are there any alligators in this pond
Guy 2: No
Guy 1: So I can swim here without being attacked by an alligator
Guy 2: Yes
Guy 1 goes in the pond
Guy 1: How came there are no alligators in this pond
Guy 2: They are afraid of sharks

Nervous passenger in the Titanic : How far are we from land?
Captain : About two miles
Passenger : Is that all? How wonderful. In which direction?
Captain : Downwards

I could have been a judge but I lacked a strong constitution
I could have been a saint but I could never keep my peace of mind
I could have been an ace marksman but I was riddled with doubts about my talent

Teacher : There is no difficulty in this world we cannot overcome
Student : Have you tried squeezing toothpaste back into the tube

What did the Kangaroo say when it found it's baby missing
"My pocket has been picked"

Student: I want to fight corruption. What should I do?
Teacher : Try to reach a high office or enter politics
Student : And how do I reach there?
Teacher : With the help of corruption and nepotism

Why did Eve never quarrel with Adam?
Because she had no mother to go back to.

Doctor : How's the patient feeling?
Nurse : Oh, he is much better. He started talking this morning.
Doctor : What did he say?
Nurse : He said, he is feeling much worse.

Student : I don't think I deserve a zero.
Teacher : I agree with you, but that's the lowest I am allowed to give.

Excellent Jokes

Notice on the Washing Machine: Please remove the clothes when green light turns red.

Signboard outside clinic: Doctor out of town for a week. Till then, be patient!

Notice outside electronic shop: Exchange everything for new. T.V. Refrigerator etc. Bring you wife for excellent bargain.

Sheila: You know, a lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Leela: Really?
How many men are you going to marry?

Movies they see:
Expecting mothers: Babe
Botanists: Poison lvy
Doctors: The English Patient
Snipers: A Time to Kill
Gardeners: Jurassic Park
Painters: Colour of Night
Baseball Players: First Strike
Paparazzi: Hot Shots
Mountaineers: Rocky
Fishermen : The Net

How to double your money:
Fold it over once and put it back in your pocket.

Conversation overheard in a store:
"Do you have any four-volt, two watt bulbs?
"For what?"
"No, two"
"Two what?
Yes.
No.

Marriage vows might be more accurate if they were changed to read "Until debt do us part.

Lawyer: Where did the car hit him?
Witness: At the junction of the dorsal and cervical verte-brae.
Lawyer: My God! I've lived in this town for 20 years and I never heard of such places.

George: I'm really worried.
John: Why?
George: Well, my wife read A Tale of Two Cities and we had twins.
Later she read The Three Musketeers and we had triplets.
Now she is reading Birth of a Nation.

Career advice to a...
Gardener: It's hardly a bed of roses.
Convict: Getting in is easier than getting out,
Casanova: It's a hand to skirt existence.

"Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye, she had to go to the doctor and it cost me Rs. 150," a man said.
"That's nothing," the other replied. "Last week a cocktail dress got into my wife's eye and it cost me Rs.1500."

Dentist examining patient's tooth:
"This tooth is dead."
"Then pull it out, doctor."
"I can put a crown on it."
"No, I prefer to bury it without any special ceremony."

Judge to defendant: Aren't you ashamed, coming here for the third time?
Defendant: Well, you come every day.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.

"When we are married, I shall share all your sorrows and troubles."
"but I've none."
"I said when we're married."

Why did the man wear a wet shirt?
Because the shirt’s label said: "Wash and wear."

Teacher : Where do we get silk from?
Rohan : From silkworm, sir.
Teacher: Good. And where do we get butter from?
Rohan: From butterflies, sir.

Q: Which city is trying to get rid of its mad people?
A: Madrid.

What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own busi-ness?
One, no mind.
Two, no business.

Slimming: Just another word for load shedding
Bigamy: A scheme to buy one and get one free.
Geography: A study of curves, slopes and plains.
Motorist: One who keeps pedestrians in good running condi-tion.

The class had been asked to write a short essay on The pleasures of childhood. One little boy wrote: The pleasures of childhood are great, but nothing compared with the pleas-ures of adultery.

Teacher: Where are the Virgin Islands?
Student: I'm not sure, madam. But they must be a long way from the Isle of Man.

Three honey-bees were buzzing around in little Meenu's room. She rushed to her mother and said, "Mummy! Of the three bees, two are male and one is female."
Mother: How do you know?
Meenu: The two bees which are buzzing around the beer bottle are male; the one that is buzzing on the mirror in female.

Father : Son, who do want to marry?
Son : Your mother.
Father : Why?
Son: Because you married my mother!

A woman murdered her husband. When she was produced before the judge, she pleaded guilty but requested the judge to take note of the fact that is was her first murder and that she was a widow now, with two infant daughters.

Salim: My wife should have been a lawyer.
Shahid : Why
Salim : Every time we have an argument and she feels she is losing, she takes it to a higher court - my mother-in-law.

Some agonies are physical and some are mental
And the one which is both is dental.

Q: What makes a bachelor a smart man?
A: Because he is never Miss-taken.

Q: What type of music did people of the Stone Age like?
A: Rock music.

Super Ideas for U

Not to be taken seriously, but funny nonetheless!

You go to drop off one person to the airport, but you take 50 extra people with you

Your entire family runs the marathon when they see a dog (calmly walking on the other side of the road)

Your cousin is said to have "gone abroad to get married", but you know he's doing time in prison

You were taught never to talk to strangers at primary school, yet your parents force you to call a complete stranger "Auntie"

Your uncles crack jokes that aren't even funny

"Paracetamol" is your cure to every illness

You somehow think you're related to Prince Naseem Hamed

Your remote control is still in its plastic packet

You use your religion to get yourself out of almost anything e.g. P.E, class discussions, debates, etc.

You secretly meet your boyfriend/girlfriend in the most obvious places (e.g. your front garden) and expect NOT to get caught by your parents

"GET YOUR BACK-UP DOWN" and "KICK OFF!" is your solution to every problem

You studied A' Level Maths but still think it's possible to fit 100 people into 1 car

You wear sunglasses in hail, sleet and snow

You accuse the shopkeeper of being racist when he kindly asks you to pay for your packet of crisps

Your mobile phone "just happens to ring" when you see a member of the opposite sex

You hire a convertible in mid-December

You secretly watch "ZEE TV." but pretend you've never heard of it

"My mate wants to check ya!" is secretly your chat-up line

Your car is better than your house

You think you're part of the MAFIA, yet you study Law

You seem to think that this list DOES NOT apply to you

You become obsessed with a member of the opposite sex, ring their house everyday, follow them home...and get rejected (you then ask out their best mate)

You think it's a sin if you admit you've revised before an exam

You wonder why the person you fancy doesn't come over when you and your mates scream, "Yo! Come over 'ere!"

At the age of 30, you still think you can get away with paying child fare on the bus

You have a telephone at home but nobody is (ever) allowed to use it

You find a photo of a man with bushy hair, white shoes and sunglasses...you ask who he is and find out it's your uncle

Your wear DKNY yet your mum buys material from Longsight Market

You've failed your driving test 6 times, but you've been driving for the past 3 years

In the primary school nativity plays you were always the donkey in the background (and if you were extra lucky, you were given the part of the villager)

You're related to your husband/wife even before you've married them

The bus never stops for you

You're the last person to see your wedding card ... and the person you're getting married to

Even your underwear is designer

You dance at a complete stranger's wedding (and claim you are a distant relative)

You somehow think you were involved in 2 Pac's death

You drive your car around the same spot for 10 years playing music that was out in '95

You achieve A*'s in every subject and your parents tell you to STUDY HARDER

Universities let you in for Medicine just by looking at you

You are offended by this list and you're going to make a complaint about it

At home you have a butcher's knife which is bigger than your head

Wilmslow Road is like a second home to you

There is a tub of "PRIDE GHEE" and a sack of "TILDA BASMATI" in your hallway

Your mum asks you what you want to be when you're 6 six years old and you say, "a Bollywood Superstar"...ten years later you're still saying the same thing

You can't go to certain places because your Uncle works there

You think you're life is just ONE BIG INDIAN FILM

You somehow think you are a member of the F.B.I and therefore have to have code-name for everything e.g. T.P.

You seem to think that an ordinary car is a racing car and ordinary roads are racing tracks, thus explaining why you speed around thinking you're Damon Hill

You were forced to watch Indian films during your childhood, and then your parents wonder why you lack in intelligence

You are over-dressed for every occasion and seem to take it as a joke when someone calls you "Garry Glitter"

You hardly ever take prescribed medicines because your parents have their own herbal cures at home

Unknown "relatives" start ringing your house on the day that your exam results are coming out

You are unable to open your front door because of the pile of shoes blocking the way

Your Auntie has permed, dyed, damaged hair

Your parents have a PANIC ATTACK when something dirty comes on TV.

A member of your family claims that they once used to live in the Taj Mahal

You have 3 hobbies: CHILL, CHILL and CHILL

You have to offer guests tea even before they've stepped into your house

You address every other Asian person on the planet as "your cousin"

You think you have the ability to take on the entire police force

You dress identical to your friends and your favourite colour is black

Girls: Your brother thinks he's your dad

Your wedding takes place in either a community centre or a crappy restaurant

You know how an Indian film will end even before it's started (but you still watch it)

You're related to your doctor

You go to a wedding with an empty car, but on the way back you end up giving the entire population of the wedding a lift home (and you haven't seen half of these people in your life)

At school, your parents were never aware of Parents' Evening (...and if they did attend Parents' Evening and you got a bad report, you told them that the teachers were all racist)

You arrive late at every party

At weddings the cameraman only ever cameras you when you're eating

Your phone line has been cut off at home, yet you own more than one mobile phone

In primary school, your parents forced you to wear a glittery jumper with cats on it

In high school, you teacher kept asking you if you were "forced to do things"

In college, you either witnessed or were involved in a fight

In University, you went to a Bhangra gig that ended with a big fight involving weird men wearing glittery pants and tacky golden earrings

Your dad wears big, tinted-coloured sunglasses from the 60s (don't even get us started on the yellow shirts)

The closest you can get to appearing on Ricki Lake is CAFÉ 21

Your parents find no criticisms in an Indian film where some guy jumps off a cliff and jumps back up again, people burst into song when their relatives are dying, evil politicians rule the world, and even the police don't give a crap (and then they wonder why you prefer to watch "Eastenders")

At parties, you wear more glitter and sparkly bits than a Christmas tree

You get over-excited when you see another Asian person on TV.

You have attended every MELA ever organised

You accuse your cousin of fancying you

You lie to your parents about where you've been

You know the name of every Asian person in College/University, and they know your name...but you never let on

You know the lyrics to every Indian song ever written, but you deny it

You come home to the sounds of Asian Sound Radio

Your parents force you to listen to old Indian/Ghazal songs

Your auntie always wants you to have a secret relationship with her son/daughter

You are constantly being compared to every other Asian kid on the Planet

You pronounce English words in a typical accent when speaking to your parents e.g. toilet: "Toylat"

You never go to the library "to work"

Your phone number is x-directory

A member of the opposite sex simply says "hello" and you accuse them of stalking you

You receive phone numbers from complete strangers (either that or you're handing your number out to complete strangers)

You own a gold chain with your name engraved on it

Guys: you lock your sister up and then go out chilling yourself

You have cousins that you've never even heard of

At Bollywood superstar concerts you're more interested in the people in the audience than the actual stars performing the show


You wonder why people stare when you hire out a grand limousine for a wedding in a run down community centre located in the middle of nowhere

You have received a prank phone call at least once in your life

When celebrating a religious festival, you suddenly feel the need to scream and shout, dance on top on restaurants, cars... and even your friend's shoulders for that matter.

Super Sardarji Jokes

Did you hear about the Sardarji who is so rich he has two swimming pools,one of which is always empty?
It's for people who can't swim.

How do you call a a Sardarji in a deep well?
A deep thinker.

Sardarji calls Air India. 'How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?'
'Just a sec,' says the customer service assistant.
Thank you ,says the Sardarji and hags up

Once a Sardarji tries to cheat the Indian railways.
He is thinking for a novel idea. He thinks a lot and finally
he did one thing, he bought a ticket and didn't travel.
That is the height of stupidity.

Two Sardarjies were sitting on a motorcycle and they were fighting for a window.

Elizabeth Taylor once boarded a plane. Everybody around greeted her. Since the plane was crowded she had difficulty in finding a seat. She saw our Sardar Balwinder Singh who was sitting next to a vacant seat.She went up to him and introduced herself saying in her cool sexy voice, "Hi, I am Elizabeth Taylor... Liz to you." Balwinder was bewildered but immediately responded, "Hi I am Balwinder .. Balls to you."

Santa and Banta work in a software company. One day, they were to move their m/cs to another building. Banta was having a tough time carrying his machine.
Santa : "My m/c has 500 MB disk. See how easily I am carrying it. Yours has just 250 MB. Can't you carry even this much?"
Banta : "But yours is empty and my disk is full"!!!

Sardar's mother's letter to Sardar
Pyaarey puttar,
Vahe Guru. I'm writing this letter slow, because i know you cannot read fast.We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newz paper tat most accidentz happen 20 milez from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able to send you the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house number with him for thir new house so he wouldn't have to change thrie address.
Tis place is really nice.It even has a washing machine situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week i put in 3 shirtz , pulled the chain and haven't see thoze shirtz since then. The weather here isn't too bad . it raind only Twice last week. The 1st it rained for 3 days and the 2nd. time for 4 dayz.
The Coat u wanted me to send you , your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttonz , so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job , He has 500 men under him. He is cuttin the grass @ the Cemetary.Your sister had a baby this morning,I havent found out whether itz a girl or a boy , so I dont know whether u r an Aunty or Uncle.
Your best friend , Balwinder is no more. He died trying to fulfil his fatherz last wish. Hios father had wished to be Buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his fater.
There isnt much more new this time.Nuthin much has happened.
Lov, MOM
P.S.: was going to send u some money but the envelope was already sealed.

One day, Mr. Singh gets a new born child. So he starts filling the birth certificate. At the same time, a couple who are touring India, met him and congratulated him on getting a son. Mr. Singh is very happy. The next day, the couple go to Delhi. There they find the very same Singh writing the very same form. The puzzled couple approached Mr. Singh and asked him " Mr. Singh, yesterday, we saw you at Mumbai filling the same certificate, but today you are here?" Mr. Singh replies "I came here because on the certificate it said: " WRITE IN CAPITAL."


The doctor told the sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, the sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms away from my home now."

This sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him "kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai".
Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata

Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?"
Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai, kahin bhook se na marjaun"

Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God.
A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?"
The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how he did his exam.
For that he replied "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ...
and at last I wrote THUNK!!!"

Banta was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. "
They should not put up such misleading notices", said Banta. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match on the seat of his pants, but it wouldn't light. He tried another. It wouldn't light. The third one finally lit. He lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest pocket.
"What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?" asked his neighbour
"That's a good match. I'll use it again."

Sardarji is buying a TV.
"Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a Green one, please."

Sardarji "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
Man "It's 315."
Sardarji (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

Two sardarjis are trying to measure a telephone pole. They keep trying to climb it and keep sliding down. Along comes this really big, muscle bound man and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?"
The two say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."
The man wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground, says "40 feet" and walks away.
The first sardar says to the other, "What a stupid idiot - we wanted the *height*, not the width."

One sardarji was appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief'.".

Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, but unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top.
After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Banta Singh.
He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death.
He says, "Are Banta Singh! What the heck's go in' on? Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?"
Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a driver".

one time santa singh go for the in interview and is asked to fill the form . on the form there is coloumn for sex . santa singh fills in 2 times a day . the stano casls him and askes him that he had miss taken the Q. it is suposed to b male or female so santa singh fills again .and tis time it is written sometimes male sometimes female.

There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business.They had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first customer. The sardars waited and waited but nobody turned up. The story was the same the next day. A week passed but noboby turned up.

WHY ?

- Bcos there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed."



After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage. The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week but no car came to their garage.

WHY ?

B'cos their garage was on the first floor.



After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but alas no one hailed their taxi.

WHY ? B'cos all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi.



All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldnt move. They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt budge.

WHY ?

B'cos two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.






A sardar had arrived early at the stadium for the first cricket game of the series between local rival teams only to realize that he had left his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, Balbir!"

He looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in the line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again. After he had purchased his ticket, he was thirsty, so he went to buy a coke. The line at the concession stand was also very long, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as he got to the window, a voice called out "Hey, Balbir!"

Again He tried to find the voice and got out of line as he wandered looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck. he was very upset as he got back in line for his coke. Finally, he had his coke and took his seat, eager for the game to begin. As he waited for the first pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey, Balbir!" once more.

Furious, He stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name isn't Balbir!"



Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'
His second friend says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'
Santa says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'



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"oh!" exclaimed the friend and said "If it had happened to the right hand you would have suffered triple than this"
"I am not a fool" said the sardar "First the position was that only my right was about to get caught...I instantly pulled it out and gave my left hand inside"



A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone
bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help.
He goes into the temple and begins to pray........... "Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my
house as well, please let me win the lottery".
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
The Sardarji goes back to the temple.....................
"Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!
Back to the temple..................
"My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving.. I don't often ask you for help and
I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarji is confronted by the voice of Lord :
" SARDARJI, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST ".



A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?"
To this the man replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai, 'Wash Basin' ".



One sardarji was appearing for his University final examination.He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief'.".



An American, an Italian and a Surd were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building...
They were eating lunch and the American said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."The Italian opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Pasta again! If I get pasta one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The surd opened his lunch and said, "Paratha and dhal again. If I get paratha and dhal one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day - The American opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Italian opens his lunch, sees pasta and jumps too.
The Surd opens his lunch, sees paratha and dhal and jumps to his death also..
At the funeral..... The American's wife is weeping...She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!
The Italian's wife also weeps and says " I could have given him pizza or lasagna! I didn't realize he hated pasta so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Surd's wife...
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He used to cook his own lunch!"




Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.

Jasmeet: "What are you searching for?"
Santa: "Hidden cameras!"

Jasmeet: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"
Santa: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching the Star World channel'. How does he know that?"



The Greatest Inventions planned by Prof. Santa Singh and Prof. Banta Singh!

1. Water-proof towel

2. Solar powered flashlight

3. Submarine screen door

4. A book on how to read

5. Inflatable dart board

6. A dictionary index

7. Ejector seat in a helicopter

8. Powdered water

9. Pedal-powered wheel chair

10. Water-proof tea bag



Two Sardarjis (pilots) try to land an airplane in the United States.

They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot screamed "The runway is ending!".
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air.

They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, the pilot scream again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending!”
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air.

They make a big turn and start descending again. This goes on again and again.

During their fourth descent the pilot says: "Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway", "I know" answers the second pilot, "But look how wide they made it."



A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Sardarji, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.

A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Sardarji came again, looking very heated up.

He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him, "Is something wrong?" To which the ferocious Sardar replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"



Punjab Airlines
"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen.

This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. We apologize for the four day delay in taking off,
owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the bakery.

This is flight one two six flight to New Delhi.
Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in
the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your
village!

Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety.
In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are
afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure I announce that starting
this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination.
(I presume that the other 50% were the terrorists themselves!!!)
For the ones that don't quiet make it, Punjab Airways staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our
Stewardesses Bubbly and Goldie will be happy to brief you on our
out-of-court settlement policies.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger
request, we can arrange to turn them off ! To make your free fall to
earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and
biscuits !

For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who
can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight
movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the
television.

But for our movie buff, we will be flying right next to Air India,
where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin
window.

There is no-smoking in this airplane. Any smoke you
see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines
telling us to slow down!

Life jacket are positioned under your seats and free
bathing costumes are made available to the aunties and swimming
shorts to the uncles, for emergency jumps!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly
as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little
too close do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right
through the landmark !

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright
position for take off and fasten your belt. For those of you who
can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your
seat.

And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in
touch with a flight attendant for your suitcase.

Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to
the cock pit.


Thank you for choosing Punjab Airways. HAVE A NICE JOURNEY.


Punjab University Exam

Punjab Engineering & Medical Entrance Exam

Time Limit: 3 Weeks

1. What language is spoken in Tamil Nadu ?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and
social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and
the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in India's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of India have been called Akbar , the last one
being Akbar the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The "Jana Gana Mana " is the National Anthem for what
country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR-spell
your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of India produces the most oranges?
(a) Gujarat
(b) Russia
(c) Canada
(d) Pakistan

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do
you have?

19. What does AIR (All India Radio) stand for?

20. The University of Chandigarh tradition for efficiency began
when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting


*You must answer at least three questions correctly to qualify*


Santa singh shows up at his friend Banta Singh's Place in a Brand New - Red Ferarri.

Banta: Wow Banta, ke gaddi hai (What a car)Kithon laiye (where did you get it from)

Santa:Main highway te lift mung reha se ... Gori Mem aaee te meine kende "want a ride Mr. Singh" I hopped in, and she took me to the woods. Once in woods she got outside took off clothes and said to me "Mr Singh. take anything"

Banta is quite excited and asks
"tu ke keeta Santa "

Santa: Mian gaddi lai layee. (I took the car)

Banta: Changa keeta - kapde tenu fit bhi nahi aane se
(good show - you wouldn't have fit into her clothes)]




There was a conference on the supernatural being held in the New York. Santa Singh is attending Primarily because he has nothing better to do on that perticular day.

The guy making the speech asks, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?"
Most of the hands go up.
"And how many of you have had some form of verbal interaction with a ghost?"
About half the hands stay up.
"Okay, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?"
Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd.
"Gosh, that's pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, make love to a ghost?"
One hand stays up. The crowd is all silent. The speaker blinks and he gets closeer to the speaker.(Santa Singh)
"Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?"
Santa suddenly get his hand down and bushes, "'Ghost' ?! I thought you said 'goat'

Mr Singh was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column "SALARY EXPECTED". He was not sure what to write there. After much thought he wrote : Yes.

Two Singhs got fed up with the Indian Govt and decided to blow up the parliament. They take 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off. One asks the other "What happens if the bombs blast off now" The other says "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat"

Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said Banta with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."

Two sardarjis walked toward each other on a country road. One carried a burlap bag over his shoulder.
"Hey Bhai," first sardarji drawled, "what's in the bag?"
"Chickens," was the reply.
"If I guess how many, can I have one?"
"You can have both of them."
The sardarji replied "OK, Five."

There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street.
All the sardars in the 'mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on.
The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriage baraat. So one of them asks Santa Singh, "Singh Saab, aap ka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach rahe ho?"
....comes the reply, "Haan ji! Hai hi baat badi kushi ki!!! Aaj paheli bar ek sardar "brain" tumour se mara hai!!!"

A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead.
The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?"
To this the man replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai, 'Wash Basin' ".

A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a bystander as to why are the guys doing what they are doing.
The bystander explains that a Marathon race is going on
Sardar : What do they get from that?
Bystander : The winner will get a prize
Sardar : Then why are the others running?!

One foggy evening two Sardarjis went out walking.
One of the Sardarji was holding a flashlight, and suddenly he said to his friend: "Why don`t you just climb up this light-beam when I am holding the flashlight upwards like this?"
His friend looked at him and answered, "No, I can`t do that because if I did, you would just turn off the light, and I would fall down."

Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefeet!"

Banta was standing at the station with Santa and son Preetu.
Preetu wanted to check his weight and he took a coin from his father and stood on the machine. Unfortunately, he could not reach the slot meant for inserting the coin. Then Banta had a brilliant idea. He lifted Preetu and helped him insert the coin.
All the three were wondering what made the Preetu weightless even on EARTH!!

A Muslim and a Sikh were once traveling together in a train. Both being from Punjab, spoke the same language and had a great time talking to each other and generally whiling away time. Came lunchtime and the Muslim took out his lunch and started eating without offering it to the Sikh. The Sikh was rather insulted at this impolite behavior. "What city are you from?" he asked the Muslim. "Lahore," replied the Muslim. At that, the Sikh started cursing the people of Lahore, mentioning, among other things what impolite &*@##!%%'s they all were. Being guilty, the Muslim swallowed all this in silence.
A few minutes later, the Sikh was hungry and he took out his lunch and started eating without offering it to the Muslim. The Muslim saw this as an opportunity for revenge. "And what city might you be from?" he asked the Sikh.
The Sikh replied, "I'm from Mecca. Start cursing!"

Q: A sardarji going to London on a plane, how can you steal his
window seat?
A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the
middle row.

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SARDARJI THROWS A PIN AT YOU?
A: Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

Q: How do you make a sardarji laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the sardarji doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the sardarji stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: Why do sardarjis work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What did the sardarji do when he noticed that someone had already
written on the overhead transparency?
A: He turned it over and used the other side.

Q: How do you confuse a sardarji?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: How do you keep a sardarji in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: How do you keep a sardarji busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: Why can't sardarjis make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: How did the sardarji try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.

Q: Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
A: because below 18 was not allowed !!!

Q: What's the difference between a sardarji and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: Why do men like sardarji jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: What does a sardarji say when you ask him if his blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a sardarji a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change..

Q: What do you call 10 sardarjis standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call a sardarji in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a sardarji with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a sardarji in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you see when you look into a sardarji's eyes?
A: The back of his head.

Q: Why are sardarjis hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a sardarji in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: Whats the difference between a sardarji and a Supermarket Trolley ?

A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: A sardarji ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in
six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A sardarji parade.

Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A sardarji BELIEVED IN SMOKING.
A: He said "Yes, I've seen it done."

sardarji #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
sardarji #2: "No, who wrote it?"


Did you hear about the sardarji that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went ? It finally dawned on him.

A sardarji was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he
saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a
minute, he said to himself "oh well !" and turned around and
drove back home.

Sardarjis Latest Jokes

A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to
wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes
running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?" To this the man replies,
"Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai, 'Wash Basin' ".
**************************************************************
SantaSingh got up in the middle of the night to answer the
telephone. "Is this one one one one?", says the voice. "No, this is eleven
eleven." "Are you sure it isn't one one one one?" "No, this is eleven
eleven." "Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of
the night." "That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer
the telephone anyway."
**************************************************************

Once Santa Singh broke his leg when he threw his cigarette butt
down the manhole and tried to step on it.
**************************************************************
Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first
match on the seat of his pants, but it wouldn't light. He tried another.
It wouldn't light. The third one finally lit. He lit his cigarette, carefully blew
the match out and put it in his vest pocket."What for did you put
that match in your vest pocket?" "That's a good match. I'll use it
again."
**************************************************************

A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a
bystander
as to why are the guys doing what they are doing
The bystander A Marathon race is going on
Sardar : What do they get from that?
Bystander : The winner will get a prize
Sardar : Then why are the others running?!
**************************************************************

Santa Singh with two red ears went to his
doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he
answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking
up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
**************************************************************
1. Then there's the one about the Sardarji
who brought his binoculars to a funeral where they were
going to bury a distant relative of his...

**************************************************************

2. The Sardarji Doctor to his patient: "It's very important
that you take this medicine exactly 30 minutes before you feel
the pain."
**************************************************************
3. There were these two Sardarji twins who looked so
incredibly alike, that sometimes they borrowed money from each other
without the other really knowing about it
**************************************************************

4. One foggy evening two Sardarjis went out walking. One of
the Sardarji was holding a flashlight, and suddenly he said to his
friend: "Why don't you just climb up this light-beam when I am
holding the flashlight upwards like this?"
His friend looked at him and answered, "No, I can't do that
Because if I did, you would just turn off the light, and I
would fall down."
**************************************************************
5. The Sardarji doctor was so afraid of bacteria, that he
cooked his ice-cubes before he put them in his drink.
**************************************************************
6. A Sardarji was in a nightclub in New York, dancing with a
beautiful woman. He whispered into her ear, "I love you." She
smiled and whispered back, "I loveyou too!" There was a little
pause, the Sardarji was thinking(??!!),then he whispered, "I love you
three."
**************************************************************
Q How can you recognize an surd in a submarine?
A He is the one with the parachute on his back.
**************************************************************
One sardar came to madras and wanted to do shopping in burma
bazaar. his tamilian friend told the sardar that the prices will
be costly and hence asked him to bargain for half the price.
Sardar went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told 2000
Rs. Sardar asked for Rs.1000.vendor told he can give for Rs.1800
for which sardar told no,no only Rs.900. Vendor told ok, i will give
it for 1500 Rs for which sardar bargained for Rs.750.it was going on
like this when finally vendor out of irritation said he will give
the sardar the stereo free of cost. "Our sardar asked whether he will
give two."

Sardarji Excellent Jokes

Jeeto: Ek baat batani hai, par plz muje marna nahi.
Santa: Bolo.
Jeeto: Mein Pregnant hu!
Santa: It's a gud News.
Jeeto: Shadi k pahle pitaji ko bataya to bahut maar padi thi.

Bunta went to a STD/ISD/PCO SHOP and slapped the operator twice.
:-(
Guess why ?
because there it was written "Number dial karne se pehele do lagae"

santa - mei tumse shadi nahi kar sakta
GF - Kyo
santa - mere ghar wale mana kar rahe hai
GF - kaun hai
santa - meri bibi nd baache

Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got irritated... drank poison & said, Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!

Banta: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio!

Santa got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.

Santa joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Santa: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

Santa and Banta were fixing a bomb in a car.
Santa: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Banta: Dont worry, I have a one more.

HEIGHTS OF REVENGE
Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to spend sleepless nights. Banta was also experiencing the same every time he tries to sleep, one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn.".
He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent. Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge. Happy as he is now starts singing a lullaby and says "so ja machchar, bete so ja". After some time he finds the
mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands. So he goes near it and says
"Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."

CROCODILE BOOTS
Banta proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots.
He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one . He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefeet!"

LONG FLIGHT
Banta calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," comes an answer.
"Thank you." says the Banta and hangs up!

TRAIN TO LUDHIANA
Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station. Hari Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?". "No," answers the Railway man. "Can I?" asks Gani Singh.

Santa 100 watt bulb par baap ka naam likh raha tha.
Baap ne pucha "kya kar rahe ho?" Santa: baap ka naam roshan kar raha hoon.

santa dials a number. A girl receives the call. santa who r u? Girl- seeta here. Santa are meine to chandigarh phone lagaya tha yeh to ayodhya mil gaya.

sardarji pulled out 6 people from a burning house... Still he was in jail. You know why? Coz all the 6 were firebrigade staff!

Santa: Yaar bachpan mein 20...

Santa: Yaar bachpan mein 20 male se gir gaya tha Banta: To fir bach gaya? santa:Yaad nahin hai bahut purani baaat hai

Sardar Son: O God! Please...

Sardar Son: O God! Please make New York the capital of Punjab. Sardar: Why are you praying for that? Sardar Son: That is what I have written in my exam.

Sardar: Sitting on The Top...

Sardar: Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying... When a Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar!!!