- sends a fax with a stamp on it.
takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead,
got locked in Furniture Shop and slept on the floor.
At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he put "Sagittarius."
takes 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
studies for a blood test and fails.
spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
puts lipstick on the forehead because he wanted to makeup his mind.
tries to drown a fish.
In the application form in column Sex, he writes "Occasionally"
If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you'd get change.
thinks socialism means partying.
trips over a cordless phone.
invents a solar powered flashlight.
sells the car for gas money.
heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moves.
Kidnaps a kid and pins a ransom note on back of the kid and sends him home to his father
The father pays the ransom
Definitions
Diplomacy: Telling your boss he has an open mind, instead of saying he has a hole in his head.
Indigestion: The failure to adjust a square meal into a round stomach.
Priest to child: Do you always say your prayers before going to bed ?
Child : No, my mother does.
Priest : So what does she say ?
Child : Thank God you're in bed at last!
Q: What is the favourite raga of all wives ?
A: Mian ki todi
Q: What did the millionaire say to his cardiologist?
A: Dil ki awaaz sun, mere kamane pe naja.
Why are these Indians always late?
Milkman : Because the water supply starts late.
Husband: Because his secretary leaves late.
Wife: Because her beautician comes late.
Student : Because Mom does his homework late.
Teacher: Because the students are always late
Principal : Because the teachers are late.
Politician : Because the crowds are late.
Doctor: Because the patients come too late.
People like us: Because it's better to be late than never!
Tailor : Who cuts throats without bleeding
Pocket : Full for girlfriend but empty for wife
Guy 1 : I want to know what my child will become when he grows up
Guy 2 : Put him in a room with a bible, an apple and a dollar
Guy 1 : How to find the conclusions?
Guy 2 : If he takes the bible, he will be a preacher; if he grabs the apple and starts munches it, he will be a farmer; if he takes the dollar, he will be a banker. But if he grabs the apple in one hand and dollar in another and sits on the bible, he will become a politician
Guy 1 : I must go now. And don't bother to see me to the door.
Guy 2 : Its no bother. Its a pleasure
How many sides does a circle have?
Inside and outside
Boss to his new secretary : You can join the office from today. For first three months you will get Rs 2000 and then after 3 months you will receive Rs 3000.
Secretary : Sir, Can I join after 3 months
My kid is very future oriented, he puts off everything for tomorrow
Guy 1 : There is a terribly ugly thing on your shoulders.
Guy 2 : What is it?
Guy 1 : Your head.
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on.
The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said...
"Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can possibly spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.
Here's good news for bald heads. They say: "God made perfect heads". Those that were not - he covered them with hair.
Yes god created man before women, but you always create a draft before the final masterpiece.
Guy 1: Are there any alligators in this pond
Guy 2: No
Guy 1: So I can swim here without being attacked by an alligator
Guy 2: Yes
Guy 1 goes in the pond
Guy 1: How came there are no alligators in this pond
Guy 2: They are afraid of sharks
Nervous passenger in the Titanic : How far are we from land?
Captain : About two miles
Passenger : Is that all? How wonderful. In which direction?
Captain : Downwards
I could have been a judge but I lacked a strong constitution
I could have been a saint but I could never keep my peace of mind
I could have been an ace marksman but I was riddled with doubts about my talent
Teacher : There is no difficulty in this world we cannot overcome
Student : Have you tried squeezing toothpaste back into the tube
What did the Kangaroo say when it found it's baby missing
"My pocket has been picked"
Student: I want to fight corruption. What should I do?
Teacher : Try to reach a high office or enter politics
Student : And how do I reach there?
Teacher : With the help of corruption and nepotism
Why did Eve never quarrel with Adam?
Because she had no mother to go back to.
Doctor : How's the patient feeling?
Nurse : Oh, he is much better. He started talking this morning.
Doctor : What did he say?
Nurse : He said, he is feeling much worse.
Student : I don't think I deserve a zero.
Teacher : I agree with you, but that's the lowest I am allowed to give.
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