Small Jokes2

A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done my homework."

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

Smart Jokrs

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off.
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Q: Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
A: Because they never learned good table manners!
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Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble.
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Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
A: They suspected it of fowl play.
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Q: Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
A: To keep his wig warm.
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Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks
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Q: What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
A: He had an arrow escape.
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Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," a student wrote , "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.

If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?

If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?

Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?

"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No. What?"
"Oops. Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"

My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.

You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment.
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.

1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf sheepherder who gathered his flock and heard?

Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much.

This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand.
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system.

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.

One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.

Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.

"Spell SPOT three times."
"S P O T , S P O T , S P O T"
"What do you do when you come to a green light?"
(answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"

I used to be a werewoolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !

A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!"

A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.

Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?

A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.

Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...

Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.

"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."

"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."

Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?

"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.

The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replies, "By the week or by the month?"

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!

When I want to teach the colors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:
Phone rings: "Green, green!"
They answer: "Yellow?"
They ask: "White?"
They hang up: "Pink!"
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.

TAMIL Sardarji Jokes

What are the degrees of egoism in Tamil Nadu?
I, Iyer, Iyengar.

What's the opposite of Gopalakrishnan?
Comepalakrishnan.

How do they start a road race in Tamil Nadu?
Ready....Steady.....PO

What do you call a really colourful Tamilian?
Rangamannar Rangarajan.

How does a Tamilian introduce the tennis superstar Lendl?
Ivan Lendl (Ivan = 'he' in Tamil).

What did the Tamilian call the tall building a Japanese built?
Nikumo Nikado (Will it or won't it stand?)

What is the opposite of Subramnium Swamy?
Subramanium Didn't See Me.


A lady arrived at the Madras airport after spending 36 hours in transit.

She was fully exhausted after such a long trip with her 6 young kids.

Collecting many suitcases, the family entered the cramped customs area.

A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," the lady said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."


James Bond comes out of British Airways at Chennai, goes to his waiting driver and says

"I'm Bond, James Bond. James to you".

For which the driver replies "I'm Subramaniam, Bala Subramaniam. Balls to you..."


One great day in Bombay, a couple were on a honeymoon tour.

They saw one sardarji in front of a hospital (Breach Candy) was trying to fill some form.

So the couple enquired eagerly "What are you doing ?" Sardarji replied that I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form.

The couple as per schedule, took the Bombay to Delhi Flight for their next destination.

On the next day, they find the same Sardarji, in front of Lal Qilla in Delhi filling the same form.

So once again young couple curiously asked - "What are you doing here?"

Sardarji once again replied I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form.

The couple said but sardarji yesterday you were in Bombay filling the same form, how come you're in Delhi?

Sardarji cooly replied It is written here - "FILL IN CAPITALS"


A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble.

His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.

He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help.

He goes into the temple and begins to pray........... "Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

The Sardarji goes back to the temple..................... "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!! Back to the temple..................

"My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving.

I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.

Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarji is confronted by the voice of Lord: "SARDARJI, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST".

Three police squads , The Scotland Yard police , The NY Police and the Punjab Sardar brigade contest for the best police force award .

The judges lead them to the Gir forest of India and assign them the mission.

He who captures an adult Lion and brings it back alive in the fastest time will be adjudged the best.

First Scotland Yard goes into the forest and comes back in half an hour with a Lion all tied up.

Then the NY police go in and come back in 15 minutes with a tied up lion.

Lastly the sardar brigade goes in. 15 minutes , half an hour , one hour goes and no sign of our sardarjis.

The judges give up and decide to search for them.

They go into the forest.

After some searching , they find the sardarjis all excitedly yelling near a tree.

The sardarjis have tied up a big bear to a tree and one of them is shouting,"Bol tu sher Hai ! Saala Bol ! tu Sher Hai !! " (Admit that you are a lion! You @#$%@! You are a lion)

Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him.

Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" (Why do you take these things with you?).

Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun" (If the stupid train comes late, I will die of hunger!)


This sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat.

His friend asks him "kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai" (What Sardarji? Are you afraid of the cinema?).

Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "( I am an intelligent man, I know it is a movie, but does that animal know?)


Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window.

He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

Oye, I am only following the instructions 'Answer in brief'.


So this sardarji is walking the other day and comes across a banana peel on the road.

Can you guess what he might be thinking??

Saala aaj bhi girna padega!!!

Two Sardarjis, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts.

One said to the other, "What's the big deal about going to the moon-anybody can go to the moon.

We are sardars we will go direct to the sun."

"But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we'll melt."

And the first answered, "So what, we'll go at night."

Once, a Hindu, a Sardar and an American were travelling in an aeroplane.

Suddenly, something went wrong and the engines stalled.

They had no parachutes with them. So all the three of them decided to risk their lives and jump out of their planes.

First, the Sardar jumped out. He removed his turban, used it as a parachute and jumped.

Using the turban he slowly floated down.

Then the Hindu removed his dhoti and jumped out. Again his dhoti acted as a parachute and he also floated down gently.

Seeing this, the American removed his shirt and pant and jumped out. Unfortunately, they did not do well as a parachute and he began to fall rapidly from the plane to the ground.

He passed by the Hindu who said - " May Bhagwan help you".

Then he passed the Sardar. The Sardar looked at the American zooming past him and was puzzled.

So he said - "I see! You want a race! Let us see who is faster" Saying so, he let go of his turban.

SARDARJEEE JOKES

Delivered:
Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing. The report said, "DELIVERED".

Smart Sardarji:
A Sardarji and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The Sardarji, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the Sardarji's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Sardarji doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "your turn".

He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the Sardarji and hands him $500.

The Sardarji thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardarji and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse,hands the american $5,and goes back to sleep.

Sardarji Jokes:

A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.

Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'

Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.

'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'

The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'

Race to the Sun:

Two Sardarjis, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts.

One said to the other, "What's the big deal about going to the moon-anybody can go to the moon. We are sardars we will go direct to the sun."

"But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we'll melt."

And the first answered, "So what, we'll go at night."

Marriage
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.She went downstairs looking for him. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw tears rolling from his eyes as he sipped his coffee.

"What's the matter with you, my dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us while dating?"

"Yes, I do remember," she replied.

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said, getting a little teary- eyed herself at his fond recollection.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know... I would have been released today."

Banking Procedure for Male and Female:
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on it.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Girl Friends
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Result is always FAIL!

Equation
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems.
So beware of glance!

World's Smallest resignation letter?
Respected sir,
I luv ur wife.

Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Banta: Me too, after u leave

When i open my eyes every morning i pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.... Why should only i suffer!!!

Love is like a bowl of oatmeal; warm, mushy and good for you. Lust is like soup, it is only good when it is hot. =)

Dying husband: I have something to tell you. Wife: Don't speak, just rest. Husband: No, I must confess, I had sex with your sister and your best friend. Wife: Sshhh. I know! That's why I poisoned you!

What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After one year, the dog is still excited to see you. =)

One day you will ask me what is more important 2 me,
you or my life?
I will say my life & you will leave me without realising that you are my life

What is a difference between a Kiss, a Car and a Monkey? A kiss is so dear, a car is too dear and a monkey is U dear.

Difference: It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE Vs ARRANGED. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered

God picked up a flower n dipped it in dew,he lovingly touched it, & it turned into u.And then he gifted it to me n said this friend is 4 u

Sardarjiiiii jokes

A Sardarji is travelling for the first time in a plane, headed for Bombay. While the plane is landing, he starts shouting "Bombay, Bombay!".

The air hostess says, "Be silent".

Sardaji says, "OK", and starts shouting "ombay, ombay".

Mr Singh was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column "SALARY EXPECTED". He was not sure what to write there. After much thought he wrote : Yes.

Two Singhs got fed up with the Indian Govt and decided to blow up the parliament. They take 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off. One asks the other "What happens if the bombs blast off now" The other says "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat"

Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said Banta with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."

Two sardarjis walked toward each other on a country road. One carried a burlap bag over his shoulder.
"Hey Bhai," first sardarji drawled, "what's in the bag?"
"Chickens," was the reply.
"If I guess how many, can I have one?"
"You can have both of them."
The sardarji replied "OK, Five."

There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street.
All the sardars in the 'mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on.
The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriage baraat. So one of them asks Santa Singh, "Singh Saab, aap ka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach rahe ho?"
....comes the reply, "Haan ji! Hai hi baat badi kushi ki!!! Aaj paheli bar ek sardar "brain" tumour se mara hai!!!"

A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead.
The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?"
To this the man replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai, 'Wash Basin' ".

A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a bystander as to why are the guys doing what they are doing.
The bystander explains that a Marathon race is going on
Sardar : What do they get from that?
Bystander : The winner will get a prize
Sardar : Then why are the others running?!

One foggy evening two Sardarjis went out walking.
One of the Sardarji was holding a flashlight, and suddenly he said to his friend: "Why don`t you just climb up this light-beam when I am holding the flashlight upwards like this?"
His friend looked at him and answered, "No, I can`t do that because if I did, you would just turn off the light, and I would fall down."

Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefeet!"

Banta was standing at the station with Santa and son Preetu.
Preetu wanted to check his weight and he took a coin from his father and stood on the machine. Unfortunately, he could not reach the slot meant for inserting the coin. Then Banta had a brilliant idea. He lifted Preetu and helped him insert the coin.
All the three were wondering what made the Preetu weightless even on EARTH!!

A Muslim and a Sikh were once traveling together in a train. Both being from Punjab, spoke the same language and had a great time talking to each other and generally whiling away time. Came lunchtime and the Muslim took out his lunch and started eating without offering it to the Sikh. The Sikh was rather insulted at this impolite behavior. "What city are you from?" he asked the Muslim. "Lahore," replied the Muslim. At that, the Sikh started cursing the people of Lahore, mentioning, among other things what impolite &*@##!%%'s they all were. Being guilty, the Muslim swallowed all this in silence.
A few minutes later, the Sikh was hungry and he took out his lunch and started eating without offering it to the Muslim. The Muslim saw this as an opportunity for revenge. "And what city might you be from?" he asked the Sikh.
The Sikh replied, "I'm from Mecca. Start cursing!"

Q: A sardarji going to London on a plane, how can you steal his
window seat?
A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the
middle row.

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SARDARJI THROWS A PIN AT YOU?
A: Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

Q: How do you make a sardarji laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the sardarji doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the sardarji stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: Why do sardarjis work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What did the sardarji do when he noticed that someone had already
written on the overhead transparency?
A: He turned it over and used the other side.

Q: How do you confuse a sardarji?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: How do you keep a sardarji in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: How do you keep a sardarji busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: Why can't sardarjis make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: How did the sardarji try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.

Q: Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
A: because below 18 was not allowed !!!

Q: What's the difference between a sardarji and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: Why do men like sardarji jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: What does a sardarji say when you ask him if his blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a sardarji a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change..

Q: What do you call 10 sardarjis standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call a sardarji in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a sardarji with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a sardarji in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you see when you look into a sardarji's eyes?
A: The back of his head.

Q: Why are sardarjis hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a sardarji in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: Whats the difference between a sardarji and a Supermarket Trolley ?

A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: A sardarji ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in
six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A sardarji parade.

Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A sardarji BELIEVED IN SMOKING.
A: He said "Yes, I've seen it done."

sardarji #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
sardarji #2: "No, who wrote it?"


Did you hear about the sardarji that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went ? It finally dawned on him.

A sardarji was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he
saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a
minute, he said to himself "oh well !" and turned around and
drove back home.

One day, Mr. Singh gets a new born child. So he starts filling the birth certificate. At the same time, a couple who are touring India, met him and congratulated him on getting a son. Mr. Singh is very happy. The next day, the couple go to Delhi. There they find the very same Singh writing the very same form. The puzzled couple approached Mr. Singh and asked him " Mr. Singh, yesterday, we saw you at Mumbai filling the same certificate, but today you are here?" Mr. Singh replies "I came here because on the certificate it said: " WRITE IN CAPITAL."

The doctor told the sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, the sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms away from my home now."

This sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him "kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai".
Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata

Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?"
Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai, kahin bhook se na marjaun"

Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God.
A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?"
The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how he did his exam.
For that he replied "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ...
and at last I wrote THUNK!!!"

Banta was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. "
They should not put up such misleading notices", said Banta. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match on the seat of his pants, but it wouldn't light. He tried another. It wouldn't light. The third one finally lit. He lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest pocket.
"What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?" asked his neighbour
"That's a good match. I'll use it again."

Sardarji is buying a TV.
"Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a Green one, please."

Sardarji "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
Man "It's 315."
Sardarji (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

Two sardarjis are trying to measure a telephone pole. They keep trying to climb it and keep sliding down. Along comes this really big, muscle bound man and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?"
The two say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."
The man wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground, says "40 feet" and walks away.
The first sardar says to the other, "What a stupid idiot - we wanted the *height*, not the width."

One sardarji was appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief'.".

Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, but unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top.
After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Banta Singh.
He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death.
He says, "Are Banta Singh! What the heck's go in' on? Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?"
Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a driver".

one time santa singh go for the in interview and is asked to fill the form . on the form there is coloumn for sex . santa singh fills in 2 times a day . the stano casls him and askes him that he had miss taken the Q. it is suposed to b male or female so santa singh fills again .and tis time it is written sometimes male sometimes female.

Super Jokes for U

You can be sure it is a Sardarji when somebody

sends a fax with a stamp on it.
takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead,
got locked in Furniture Shop and slept on the floor.
At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he put "Sagittarius."
takes 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
studies for a blood test and fails.
spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
puts lipstick on the forehead because he wanted to makeup his mind.
tries to drown a fish.
In the application form in column Sex, he writes "Occasionally"
If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you'd get change.
thinks socialism means partying.
trips over a cordless phone.
invents a solar powered flashlight.
sells the car for gas money.
heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moves.
Kidnaps a kid and pins a ransom note on back of the kid and sends him home to his father
The father pays the ransom

Definitions
Diplomacy: Telling your boss he has an open mind, instead of saying he has a hole in his head.
Indigestion: The failure to adjust a square meal into a round stomach.

Priest to child: Do you always say your prayers before going to bed ?
Child : No, my mother does.
Priest : So what does she say ?
Child : Thank God you're in bed at last!

Q: What is the favourite raga of all wives ?
A: Mian ki todi

Q: What did the millionaire say to his cardiologist?
A: Dil ki awaaz sun, mere kamane pe naja.

Why are these Indians always late?
Milkman : Because the water supply starts late.
Husband: Because his secretary leaves late.
Wife: Because her beautician comes late.
Student : Because Mom does his homework late.
Teacher: Because the students are always late
Principal : Because the teachers are late.
Politician : Because the crowds are late.
Doctor: Because the patients come too late.
People like us: Because it's better to be late than never!

Doctor : One who charges before discharging
Tailor : Who cuts throats without bleeding
Pocket : Full for girlfriend but empty for wife

Guy 1 : I want to know what my child will become when he grows up
Guy 2 : Put him in a room with a bible, an apple and a dollar
Guy 1 : How to find the conclusions?
Guy 2 : If he takes the bible, he will be a preacher; if he grabs the apple and starts munches it, he will be a farmer; if he takes the dollar, he will be a banker. But if he grabs the apple in one hand and dollar in another and sits on the bible, he will become a politician

Guy 1 : I must go now. And don't bother to see me to the door.
Guy 2 : Its no bother. Its a pleasure

How many sides does a circle have?
Inside and outside

Boss to his new secretary : You can join the office from today. For first three months you will get Rs 2000 and then after 3 months you will receive Rs 3000.
Secretary : Sir, Can I join after 3 months

My kid is very future oriented, he puts off everything for tomorrow

Guy 1 : There is a terribly ugly thing on your shoulders.
Guy 2 : What is it?
Guy 1 : Your head.

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on.
The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said...
"Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"


A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can possibly spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

Here's good news for bald heads. They say: "God made perfect heads". Those that were not - he covered them with hair.

Yes god created man before women, but you always create a draft before the final masterpiece.

Guy 1: Are there any alligators in this pond
Guy 2: No
Guy 1: So I can swim here without being attacked by an alligator
Guy 2: Yes
Guy 1 goes in the pond
Guy 1: How came there are no alligators in this pond
Guy 2: They are afraid of sharks

Nervous passenger in the Titanic : How far are we from land?
Captain : About two miles
Passenger : Is that all? How wonderful. In which direction?
Captain : Downwards

I could have been a judge but I lacked a strong constitution
I could have been a saint but I could never keep my peace of mind
I could have been an ace marksman but I was riddled with doubts about my talent

Teacher : There is no difficulty in this world we cannot overcome
Student : Have you tried squeezing toothpaste back into the tube

What did the Kangaroo say when it found it's baby missing
"My pocket has been picked"

Student: I want to fight corruption. What should I do?
Teacher : Try to reach a high office or enter politics
Student : And how do I reach there?
Teacher : With the help of corruption and nepotism

Why did Eve never quarrel with Adam?
Because she had no mother to go back to.

Doctor : How's the patient feeling?
Nurse : Oh, he is much better. He started talking this morning.
Doctor : What did he say?
Nurse : He said, he is feeling much worse.

Student : I don't think I deserve a zero.
Teacher : I agree with you, but that's the lowest I am allowed to give.

Excellent Jokes

Notice on the Washing Machine: Please remove the clothes when green light turns red.

Signboard outside clinic: Doctor out of town for a week. Till then, be patient!

Notice outside electronic shop: Exchange everything for new. T.V. Refrigerator etc. Bring you wife for excellent bargain.

Sheila: You know, a lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Leela: Really?
How many men are you going to marry?

Movies they see:
Expecting mothers: Babe
Botanists: Poison lvy
Doctors: The English Patient
Snipers: A Time to Kill
Gardeners: Jurassic Park
Painters: Colour of Night
Baseball Players: First Strike
Paparazzi: Hot Shots
Mountaineers: Rocky
Fishermen : The Net

How to double your money:
Fold it over once and put it back in your pocket.

Conversation overheard in a store:
"Do you have any four-volt, two watt bulbs?
"For what?"
"No, two"
"Two what?
Yes.
No.

Marriage vows might be more accurate if they were changed to read "Until debt do us part.

Lawyer: Where did the car hit him?
Witness: At the junction of the dorsal and cervical verte-brae.
Lawyer: My God! I've lived in this town for 20 years and I never heard of such places.

George: I'm really worried.
John: Why?
George: Well, my wife read A Tale of Two Cities and we had twins.
Later she read The Three Musketeers and we had triplets.
Now she is reading Birth of a Nation.

Career advice to a...
Gardener: It's hardly a bed of roses.
Convict: Getting in is easier than getting out,
Casanova: It's a hand to skirt existence.

"Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye, she had to go to the doctor and it cost me Rs. 150," a man said.
"That's nothing," the other replied. "Last week a cocktail dress got into my wife's eye and it cost me Rs.1500."

Dentist examining patient's tooth:
"This tooth is dead."
"Then pull it out, doctor."
"I can put a crown on it."
"No, I prefer to bury it without any special ceremony."

Judge to defendant: Aren't you ashamed, coming here for the third time?
Defendant: Well, you come every day.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.

"When we are married, I shall share all your sorrows and troubles."
"but I've none."
"I said when we're married."

Why did the man wear a wet shirt?
Because the shirt’s label said: "Wash and wear."

Teacher : Where do we get silk from?
Rohan : From silkworm, sir.
Teacher: Good. And where do we get butter from?
Rohan: From butterflies, sir.

Q: Which city is trying to get rid of its mad people?
A: Madrid.

What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own busi-ness?
One, no mind.
Two, no business.

Slimming: Just another word for load shedding
Bigamy: A scheme to buy one and get one free.
Geography: A study of curves, slopes and plains.
Motorist: One who keeps pedestrians in good running condi-tion.

The class had been asked to write a short essay on The pleasures of childhood. One little boy wrote: The pleasures of childhood are great, but nothing compared with the pleas-ures of adultery.

Teacher: Where are the Virgin Islands?
Student: I'm not sure, madam. But they must be a long way from the Isle of Man.

Three honey-bees were buzzing around in little Meenu's room. She rushed to her mother and said, "Mummy! Of the three bees, two are male and one is female."
Mother: How do you know?
Meenu: The two bees which are buzzing around the beer bottle are male; the one that is buzzing on the mirror in female.

Father : Son, who do want to marry?
Son : Your mother.
Father : Why?
Son: Because you married my mother!

A woman murdered her husband. When she was produced before the judge, she pleaded guilty but requested the judge to take note of the fact that is was her first murder and that she was a widow now, with two infant daughters.

Salim: My wife should have been a lawyer.
Shahid : Why
Salim : Every time we have an argument and she feels she is losing, she takes it to a higher court - my mother-in-law.

Some agonies are physical and some are mental
And the one which is both is dental.

Q: What makes a bachelor a smart man?
A: Because he is never Miss-taken.

Q: What type of music did people of the Stone Age like?
A: Rock music.